I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
