you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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