Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
