I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
