Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
