Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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