Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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