you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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