distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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