we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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