The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize