I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
