if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
