I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
