i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
