I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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