your room smells of hookers.
And success
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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