we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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