Where are you?
In a non slutty way
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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