Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
