Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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