Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
