I need to stop coming to work sober
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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