today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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