I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
