I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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