If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
