I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's even glitter on my cock...
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