I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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