peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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