Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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