Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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