Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
