i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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