we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
