fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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