My sheets look like a crime scene.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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