so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
