The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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