do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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