lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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