btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
