I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
