I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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