i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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