if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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