tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
