9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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