Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
