peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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