so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
