I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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