I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
