fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
