my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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