If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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