I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize