I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize