you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
