the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
