They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
