True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
