mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
