wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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