Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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