Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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