I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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