god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
