Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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