It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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