I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
