i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize