I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
